When I’m depressed I lose all my self- confidence and any semblance of control over my life which of course serves no other purpose than to deepen the depression. This makes me unable to ask for help, my instinct is always to shut myself away and deal with it alone. I have a horror of being a burden to my friends. I explained this to Bron, and he told me that the only time they feel burdened is when I lock myself away causing them to feel great concern on my behalf and they would much prefer it if I simply popped over to theirs one night and unburdened myself thus relieving them of the burden of worrying about me. This I shall endeavour to do in the future if the black dog sits once again on my shoulder. When I feel a depression hovering at my shoulder, I immediately go into denial; depression is such an horrendous experience that I will attempt anything to avoid one. But as that never works and it always catches up with me, I shall talk to Bron and Es or Ellie and Michael if it becomes necessary in the future.
So why did this one happen? I think it’s because very soon I shall be living in my very own home, and now that it so close to becoming a reality I can finally admit to myself what a long and seemingly endless slog it has been to arrive at this awesome juncture and how terminally tired I feel as a result. BUT….. that part of my life is over, finished; and there is no doubt that when I’m in my house and have the joy of making it into a home I shall become a different person. Because I love that more than anything – creating a home I mean – in the past I left every rented accommodation I lived in in a far better state than I found it. Landlords loved me! As soon as I’m sorted I know Es will take some photo’s to put on my blog so you can all see it.
Everything else is running very smoothly; Mo celebrated her 78th birthday on the 17th and when I rang her to offer my congratulations she was having a good time and sounded great. That woman is invincible and I never cease to be awed by her courage and determination.
My babies are very well and make a good little pack despite their outrageous mutual jealousy which becomes very apparent as we settle down for the night. If Malcolm seats himself in what Tossie considers to be his place Tossie gives him hell. Malcolm remains extremely composed giving an impressive impersonation of a sphinx in ancient Egypt and doesn’t bat an eyelash as Tossie hurls himself against him, growling savagely with bared teeth and raised hackles. A toy Pom pitting himself against a large Alsatian is very amusing particularly as Tossie always wins and Malcolm moves languidly towards the end of the bed allowing Tossie to claim his place next to me.
My friends arrive in three weeks and we’re spending three days at the game reserve I went to with Lee last year, so a little holiday should get me back on my feet which will be a great relief to everyone! Hope you’re all well and happy, and I send lots of love to all of you from all of us. xxx